A Good Day to Say I'm Sorry

The day of love, when turns into the day of heartbreak, seems much more sinister than any other day of heartbreak! (A day of heartbreak is, in itself, pretty sinister to begin with!) So when a friend narrated their tale of failed love on a day when the world celebrates successful love, I couldn't fight my urge to pen down what I gathered of their feelings, and what, to an extent, vocalizes my own.
Valentine's day is a good day to say I Love You. Also, a good day to say I'm Sorry!

Forgive me,
For not being what you wanted.
Forgive me,
For falling short in helping you make a leap of faith.
Forgive me,
For making you feel responsible for my hurt.
Forgive me,
For every tear that has flown down your face.
Forgive me,
For causing you pain brought about by the realization of my inadequacy.
Forgive me,
For not meeting your expectations. I tried. I aspired. I failed.

It will be hard to forgive me - I know because I have tried.
I failed,
But I hope you will not.
Forgive me,
Please forgive me.

A Poem, a Promise, a Feeling

I will hold your hand, like holding it was the only important thing in the world;

I will hug you when you are scared, like a mother would a child;

I will stay up till morning and watch you sleep, like your face was the only memory I would want to keep;

I will meet you each day, like it was our last day together;

I will make your home, like it was your haven, your chapel, your paradise;

I will be your friend, your family, your confidant; your one true soul mate, your mirror;

I will drop everything and run to you at your slightest sound of my name;

I will build with you hope, faith, smiles, memories, life.

I may not always cure, but I will always care;

I will make a difference, like the difference you make.

I will get through the day, with the only hope of seeing you.

I will be your dream catcher.
My beloved!

On Being Taken for Granted

"BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED"

We tend to use this phrase much too often in our lives. (If you do not need to, let me tell you, you are probably really really lucky!) Sometimes, the usage is justified, and many a times, an exaggeration.

We choose to do something for another human being or go an extra mile for them because that’s what we want to do. It may be because we love them and care for them, it may be because we are just extremely caring and compassionate generally, and sometimes it may be a mix of both. And this ‘they’ could be anybody - from family, friends and colleagues to a stranger you will likely never meet again. Contrary to popular belief however, this does not give us a right to expect something in return. We aren't entitled to anything. We don’t get to expect something for what we do out of free will. But does that mean we don’t expect? Sadly, we do. Okay, correction, most of us do. (Only the Godliest beings would genuinely hold no expectations for all the good they do for people around them. How wonderful would that place to be in mentally and emotionally?!) Doing for the other is a matter of free will for us and we choose to do it; they didn't ask us to be caring and compassionate towards them. We give up sleep, leave the comfort of our warm seat on the couch, spend time that we could have used to finish an assignment, miss watching a really great show/movie we had been looking forward to, ignore our ill health for somebody, take care at all times that they don’t have to feel even the slightest inconvenience, ignore feelings of exploitation, let go being lied to, suppress our own emotions in order to stay strong for them – all this, is our choice and ours alone. They may not see it. They may not acknowledge it. They may not appreciate it. Does that mean it is all in vain? Does that mean we stop doing it? Does that mean we stop being who we are?

The answer is, no. Our karma is our character as a person, and so is theirs. An unacceptable behavior can never be justified by what somebody else did to us. When a dog barks at us, we don’t bark back at it. It is a dog, it is at the evolutionary level of a dog; it is bound to bark. Acting like a dog is all it knows. We are humans, we are at an evolutionary plane much higher than the dog’s, we don’t bark back. We act like humans. It’s as simple as that. And we can’t blame the dog for barking. It is what it does. Barking is inherent to the dog’s nature. Same goes for the qualities of selflessness, gratitude and compassion (among others) in humans (I mention these in particular because they are the most relevant to the topic at hand). There are some people who are capable of these and some just aren't  They just don’t have it in them. It’s not their fault that they don’t appreciate care given to them. It’s not their fault that they are only concerned till their vested interests are being satisfied. It’s not their fault that they cannot think of anybody outside of their own selves. That’s just how they are and they can’t be blamed for it. Agreed, there are few things more horrible than being ungrateful in friendship, but you cannot blame somebody for not doing something they are incapable of. Would it be right to get mad at an elephant just because it cannot climb a tree?! By this token, the absence of appreciation should not drive us to give up on our generosity. Seneca’s words drive this point further home – “It is another’s fault if he be ungrateful, but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful man, I will oblige a great many that are not so”.

In interpersonal relationships, oftentimes situations of unmet expectations arise. One of my previous entries talks about the importance of the legitimacy of those expectations. Above was another explanation of why something like that might happen. It might even be considered a mature defense mechanism, Rationalizing – something that we tell ourselves to make us hurt less or feel slightly better. But it doesn't make it any less effective! When faced with the feeling of ‘being taken advantage of' (to whatever degree), there are two choices – to walk away and not care anymore since they were too blind to see it, or to remember Seneca, to remember this post and continue to do good. I would recommend the latter J But most importantly, remember that being there for somebody in their time of need is a chance few get, doing something selflessly is something few are capable of. These qualities are inherently positive and should by no means produce negative feelings inside of us. If someone is oblivious to these qualities in you, it is their loss, just as it is the loss of the person who fails to see the beauty of nature – it is only who sees it, know what the non-seer is missing. If they are not by your side when you need them, they are at a loss. After all what can be more blissful than being given the opportunity to comfort a fellow human! And what greater loss can there be than to let go of such an opportunity!

Above everything, remember to never be ungrateful! It is not a good place to be in J

An Open Letter to the Woman on the Bus

It's been a little over 2 months in the new city now. Not a day has passed by when I did not remember New Orleans, my first home in this country. Getting some free time (an extreme rarity for most grad students), I was revisiting my write-ups and found this open letter I had written in 2010; still valid, still very much a source of motivation for me. Read on!

THE LADY ON THE BUS

12:17 PM, route 39, NORTA. That’s where I saw you. More than once. That is the route and time you must take to work. And that's what I used to take some days to reach school. You were one of the many faces I used to see regularly on the bus. I remember you sat on one of the front seats. But what I remember you the most for is your kind heart.

That day, like many other days, a young AA lady got on the bus with a child. She was probably not ready to be a mother – mentally, emotionally, financially and, not to mention, physically. She was like many other young mothers of the city, overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood, by the responsibilities of nurturing another life, another whole individual. And while she did all that, she likely didn’t have enough support from her family or husband (if she was married) or the child’s father (if he still was a part of her life). She held her baby on her waist and got on the bus. The driver naturally asked her for $1.25 for the fare. She couldn’t give the $0.25 of it, I’m not sure why, maybe she was short on cash, maybe she didn’t have change, I don’t know. But she needed a quarter. And you gave it to her. You immediately reached for your little purse, for change, and handed her the quarter. Did you know her? Most likely not. Did you expect to get those 25 cents back? Umm, no.

You and the other women of New Orleans are like women in India, (some a pivotal part of my life), working hard, making sure your families get what they want, bearing the hardships of bus travel, changing buses to get to work daily, giving their best at work, returning home in those very buses and attending to the house work, anticipating and sometimes even bearing husbands’ abuses and then getting ready for another similar day the next morning. During all this, what keeps you going is something I may never understand. What drives you to get out of bed and be ready to face the day is out of the reach of my imagination. Maybe the day I realize what this force is, I will respect you all even more. And that would also make me feel more awe for the Maker who has presented you with the strength. For such a woman, $0.25 is probably an hour worth of work. Giving it to a stranger or an almost stranger with no surety of getting it back or seeing the person ever again, is something that only the kindest heart can do. I believe I have a kind heart and this gesture came as a surprise for me. Thinking about this gesture even today stings my eyes and I feel a tear or two flowing down my face. And I wouldn’t want this tear to ever stop shaping up.

I feel you can never be kind enough and that there is always room for being slightly kinder. Also there are a million ways to be kind and compassionate. You showed me one of those. I don’t know what your name is or where you live. You don’t know me, may not even know I exist. So writing this letter, which will never ever be seen by you, seems pointless. But I am sure of one thing and that is my Maker knows the contents of my letter. And He will definitely convey my feelings and sincere gratitude to you, in His own special manner. Thank you so much the woman on the bus for being so kind and caring, for showing me one newer way to be kind, for giving something to this world, for having touched me enough to bring a tear to my eye. I can never forget you, I can never forget what you did, and I can never forget the impact it has had on me. I cannot tell how, at this moment, but this has definitely contributed to the growth of my soul. I might know eventually and that day I will thank you once again, for a specific reason. Until then, all I can say is, you may not know how you touch someone’s life by a mere act of kindness. So continue to be kind and giving. You are terrific and please be so forever.

My bestest wishes for you!

Thanks once again. :)

    

Bereavement - Death and the other kind

This is for a friend. A friend who is not a friend by definition; who has been a teacher, a colleague, a boss, a mentor; who has faced many a storms throughout life; who has faced yet another fairly recently; and who, I know, has stood strong in all those storms. My prayers for my friend, that nested in my heart and were shared only with my Maker, are hereby sent to the universe, by means of this post. 

We have all suffered loss of a dear one. Sometimes we lose  them to quietus and sometimes the loss is not a physical one involving inter-world travel. Either way, it is hurtful. Either way, it leaves a void impossible to fill. We do find a new friend, a new brother-figure, a new love, but honestly thinking, the new found person never actually replaces the one you have lost. We say we move on. But in reality, rarely ever do we 'move on'. What happens, always stays with us - in the form of a memory, in the form of a lesson we learnt, in the form of a personality trait we developed or let go, in the form of the void left by the end of something/someone or the newly filled space by something/someone - at least a part of what happens, or who we know, always stays. We don't really move on; we only move forward. And that's how it should be. After all, is it fair to completely ignore someone or something that you once held so special?!

When a loved one leaves us, we are often left without a satisfactory understanding of the last moments of their existence - their existence in this world or in our lives, as the case may be. And there hardly is a way for us to understand it now after their departure. Feelings of frustrated helplessness shape up and those who have felt it know how debilitating the state of frustrated helplessness can be. And with the frustration and the helplessness, there is of course the accompanying mélange of anger, hurt, sorrow, deceit and injustice. Not a pleasant place to be in on any account! How does one find their mental balance then? "What I do know today, with complete assurance, is that his soul is at peace" is how my above mentioned friend has chosen to look at this time of bereavement. We can never estimate the amount of strength such a thought can bring in one's tough time until we actually practice it. When someone is no longer a part of your life, of your world, it just makes sense to remember them positively and wish them only well. Each individual in this world is rich enough to be able to give something to the others and surely the person we have lost has given something to us. I feel it prudent to be grateful for all the positive they brought us and pray for peace to them, wherever they are. Touché my friend :)

The 5 stages of grief handling are known to most - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, together form DABDA. And any reasonable mind knows that the ultimate destination, after any form of loss, is the 2nd 'A' in DABDA, that of Acceptance. When we know we have to reach it and only reaching it will bring us peace, why not assist our own self through that journey! Of course bottling up one's emotions is never healthy; one shouldn't try to skip through any of these stages, but acknowledging the hurt, understanding it and giving it time to wane helps. Two things that I know work beautifully are law of reverse association and positive self suggestion. The laws of association partly explain why we look how we feel - we are chirpy and upbeat when we feel happy inside and dull and morose when unhappy. The reverse of this is true too. When unhappy on the inside, try to smile more, look for reasons to laugh and you will automatically feel less sad. You are not driving away the unhappy experience, just handling it better. And the other thing - positive self suggestion. Treat yourself as a best friend going through a rough phase. What do we do when a friend is unhappy? Console them, give them perspective, give them hope, understand them, treat them with utmost kindness? Why treat yourself any different? I often tell myself "I feel bad. Very bad. Still. What happened is sad and I have every reason to feel this way. But I know I will not always feel bad. I have to reach the last 'A' of DABDA and I will, when I'm ready. In the meantime, I just need to hold on, need to keep my faith, need to smile." Here again, the simplest words hide the most powerful effect on the mind.

I read somewhere, 'life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it'. Loss of someone loved is an irreversible phenomenon in most cases. It would be a sad situation to lose even your inner grace and faith in the Maker. It is only when you have cleared tests for the 1st grade, do you get to go to the 2nd grade; the tests become tougher and tougher with each higher grade you get to, but never too tough for a child in that particular grade; the test is given according to the child's ability. And these 'tests' do not end with school.... But as for everything in life, faith and friends never fail!! :) 

Saluting Keenan and Reuben

A group of friends, who have been together for years, go for dinner to a much talked about restaurant in the suburbs of one of the most populous cities of the world and probably the most 'happening' city in the country. This is the city which has its rich and its poor, its elite and its unemployed, its opportunities and its failures, its dreams and its disappointments, its lions and its rats. The friends get out of the restaurant, satisfied with the food they just consumed and are waiting for some paan, to freshen their breaths and probably to spend some more time together. The girls in the group are seen by a local 'goon' and as happens every so often, he thinks it his birth right to pass lewd remarks at her and make her (and others around) uncomfortable. The girl quietly listens, tries to ignore this 'man' (I'm being polite here) and then leaves with the group like everything is alright. Sounds like a very common story. It is. In most parts of India. Even more so in the 'big city' areas. But what if I changed just the last part of it? Instead of the girl quietly ignoring the obscenities dished out to her, what if I was to say that the girl responded rudely and that her guy friends confronted the perv and that the perv disappeared immediately only to reappear with a group of, hold your breaths, 20 other degenerates like himself, to get even with the 4-5 20 something year olds and that these 20 creatures are all 'equipped' with sticks and swords and knives and that they start beating the guys who resisted the untoward advances being made to their female friends and that this 'fight' (totally unfair not to mention) ends up with one of the friends dying on the spot of multiple stab injuries and another being taken to the hospital (to eventually end up dead 10 odd days later), in front of a full and passive audience. Chilling right! What makes it even chillier is that this is a true story. 

Whatever happened with Keenan Santos and Reuben Fernandes (may their souls rest in peace) is ghastly as much as it is unfortunate. My initial reaction was of sorrow, obviously. But I realized soon that sadness was only a little part of what I actually felt. Awe, respect, wanting-to-salute, wish-to-hug were more like what I was actually experiencing for these two lads. They gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "anything for friends". “Ladne ke liye jaan nahi, JIGAR ki zaroorat hoti hai” (You don’t need to have ‘life’ that you can give to fight, all you need is the courage to do so) was what Keenan often told close friends (quoting Reuben’s brother). Their deaths will not go unnoticed in the eyes of the Maker that I'm sure of!

Naturally this incident was followed by a ruckus created by social media and the news agencies; hours of television news covering the story over and over again and groups/pages formed on networking sites for people to join in order to show support. On many of these groups and pages I found written that their purpose was to send a strong message to the authorities pressurizing them to hasten the legal proceedings on the matter; there were links to petitions to be signed by the supporters as well. But what perturbed me the most was posts by alleged members declaring their ‘wishes’ for the culprits to be given ‘capital punishment’, to be ‘killed’/’tortured’ in public, and some not-mentionable treatments to be delivered to them. This tinge of an acute sense of revenge is hard to miss when navigating through these pages. And then of course there is the rant about people, just standing there and not coming to the aid of the youth as they struggled. Other commonly seen comments and posts deal with the fractured judicial system of the country, the ‘race’ of the perpetrators, expletives thrown towards the police etc. (though there was one guy who advertised his dental clinic on the page too!! Can you imagine!! Spammers!! Ubiquitous!! And unstoppable!!) But I guess that is the general sentiment of the mass, ‘kill those who killed’. The end result? Kinda stupid isn’t it? ‘Killing’ or ‘punishing’ the goons is not going to bring Keenan and Reuben back. Or is it? :-/ Also, these guys died doing exactly what the audience present there is being blamed of NOT doing, interfering in something not directly affecting them, ‘helping others’ so to speak. Not a very encouraging example I think!

So what now? Should the initial story that I mentioned be accepted as a part of an Indian woman’s normal life? Should friends like Keenan and Reuben start ignoring such incidents? Or should everybody from the audience also start behaving like Keenan and Reuben and ‘help’ those in trouble? There isn’t a straight answer to this or a similar situation. Not a fair one of course. But then again, there are so many questions that do not have an actual answer.

But this leaves me wondering, I feel I can do anything for people I love. But when it comes to giving up my life, will I be courageous enough? Would I go that far? Guess we’ll find out!

I personally feel utmost regard for these two boys and the many like them, who do not refrain from standing up for what they believe is right. As Keenan said, it requires courage, lots of it, to fight for something. It is people like him who impact others’ lives positively. And the life which positively affects another, even one, is nothing short of phenomenal. Salute!!

     

          

Paradise - Coldplay

Favorite band, favorite record of theirs, favorite song on the record. Paradise. (Oh Chris Martin!)
To hear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg&ob=av3e


When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach 
So she ran away in her sleep 
And dreamed of 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach 
And the bullets catch in her teeth 
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night 
She'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night 
Away she'd fly
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh 

lalalalalalalalalalala 
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

The Three Most Important Words

Down in the dumps? Remember the three most important words known to man; no, even more important than 'I Love You'; the words are KEEP THE FAITH. Read below to know more.

As much as we would like to think we are, we aren't, invincible that is. People, situations, world news, words (said and left unsaid), deeds, they all affect us. Just the degree differs. And also how honest we are in accepting the fact that we've been affected differs. So when all the things mentioned above - people, situations, news, words and deeds - affect us negatively, what do we do? Simple, change. Wait, sorry, it's not always that simple. Let's take it case by case.


Can we change the people around us? In some conditions yes we can. Meaning to say we can surround ourselves with different people, who are less negative, or who make us feel good about ourselves. Okay, established. But can we change those people? Change the person that they are? Can you change yourself? I guess it would be difficult right! When you realize how difficult it is to change your own self, the one you know inside out and have complete control over, imagine what little chance you have of changing someone else. So forget about it. It's neither your prerogative, nor in your capacity. 


What about situations? Can we change those? To an extent we can, but to a very little extent. Human beings, vegetables or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player; Albert Einstein can't go wrong. Do all you can to change what has happened, but you may soon find there's not much that can be done. Whatever happened, happened because it was destined to. The sooner you accept, the better.


Words and Deeds. Now these can be of two kinds, words said and deeds done or words left unsaid or deeds left undone (quite a mouthful!). Here too, if seen from a fresh perspective, the said/done words/deeds may seem less offensive than they initially did. Not always though. So then, the next logical and fair step is clarification. Depending on who the words/deeds are of, it is wise to clarify it with them rather than beating yourself over it. It happens, more often than not, that you see a completely different meaning or intention behind those words/deeds after having clarified (provided both parties have been truthful of course). It can save lot many friendships from seeing an unnecessary end! So now what about words/deeds unsaid or not done? The first question that needs to be asked here is "is my expectation appropriate?" If you answer yes to that, ask "is there any reason why the other person would deliberately not do or say as I expect him/her to?". Nobody wants to hurt anybody deliberately. But still it happens and it is no doubt very unfortunate. But expecting someone to know your expectations without you ever talking about it is a tad unfair to that person. So, check the legitimacy and clarity of your own expectations; if in place, then check the other person for malice or ignorance. Things might start falling into place. Language has been invented by man in order to communicate, do not waste such an ingenious invention! 


I can also elaborate on changing world news; will end up concluding that not much can be done to drastically change that either. Does it mean that when any of these bring us down, there is no way for us to get back up? Is apathy and perpetual depression the answer? Well, for some it may be! But there's a better answer. Two actually. Put simply, the answers are Perception and Prayer. (Wow, the Perfect Punch to a Problem are Perception and Prayer!)


Look at the situation from top. No, the 19th floor isn't what I mean. I mean look at it as a third person. Remove yourself from it, and replace a woman/man (as the case may be) for you, and look at it as something happening to that woman/man. "This man has just been ridiculed by his senior for the error he made in the report", "this woman has had a fight with her good friend because of something she failed to do", "this woman is mad at her husband because he didn't do what she expected" etc. Detach and see the situation as though it is a story you are reading. Isn't it just too easy to know if a character is wrong or right, or what he should/shouldn't have done while reading a story? Why is that? It is because you are not one of the characters, and that gives you the ability to be completely objective and fair. Why treat your own life any different? Go on, be a reader of your story. You will be amazed to see sides that you couldn't earlier. And the perspective you receive by doing so, is nothing short of liberating!


Changing perception to a situation is a good way to deal with things. But it doesn't suddenly make you go from feeling low to feeling on top of the world. At such a time, pray. Merely saying a prayer is different than praying. Pray, with all your heart, with all your hope, with all that you are. Don't be shy. Of all people who know you, He knows you the best and there is nothing hidden from Him. Be honest, be sincere and tell Him how you feel. He listens, evaluates and then gives you what you need. But in all this, the one thing that you should never let go of, is hope. 


Praying and changing perception will not lessen the burden per se, but they'll surely help you feel stronger and readier to tackle the burden that you (and only you) have to. And what better time to reach out to friends than the worst of times!


Remember, Keep the Faith. God has a plan for you :)    

Helping a Friend

A friend in need is a friend indeed – one of the so many proverbs taught to us as part of our English syllabus in school. I still remember I was first introduced to this maxim when I was 5 or 6, and it confused me. The thought process of my raw mind was “if a friend of mine needs me then how is he/she a true friend?” Not the exact words of course, but something to the effect. Obviously I came to realize the actual meaning of the proverb eventually, but my naiveté was fun to share and also that is something I’m writing about, helping a friend in need, and becoming a friend indeed!

How do you help a friend? You see a friend in distress, you know it in the deepest corners of your psyche that they are troubled, yet you do not have an exact reason for their state of mind; they don’t help you with that either. They are either too shy or too proud to ask for your help, or they don’t look at you as someone who can ‘help’. Maybe they are right. This is a particularly delicate proposition for you. Do you leave them alone and let them heal on their own, do you cheer them up with anecdotes, do you give them food for soul (in the form of ‘wise words’) or do you just forget about it, after all you aren’t even sure if they are facing a problem. All these options seem equally good. Yet listing them like this doesn’t help you choose what you should go for. One thing that works here is prayer. As a wise Sagittarian once said “a prayer in its simplest definition is merely a wish turned Godward”, let Him know of how well you wish of your friend, and then, hope. Given that you don’t know what better to do, having a little faith would give incredible strength to you. And good wishes from the heart are bound to reach the friend and give them strength too. You, as a friend, may not be able to enlighten them with ‘the solution’ to their problem/s, you may not be able to hear them out, you may not be able to lessen their burden, but you will surely be able to contribute in making their back stronger, more capable of carrying their load.

Sometimes a prayer is all you can give.            

An Ode to a Soldier

This is a poem from a very dear friend of mine. An ability to pen beautiful verses is one of the many things he has been blessed with.

"As I drove to work I heard a great song from the point of view of a soldier. It inspired me to write this little ode.
In Canada we have started a bit of tradition called Highway of Heroes. On August 24, 2007 the portion of the highway between Trenton and the Don Valley Parkway in Toronto was designated as the Highway of Heroes as the road is traveled by fallen Canadian soldiers from the Canadian Forces Base to the coroner's office in Toronto. I use the 401 every day, but rarely do I remember those who shall ride it for the last time!


An Ode to a Soldier


Jahaan rakt ki nadiyaan behti hain,
Ek baar usmein nahaa lena tum;


Jin galiyon mein jaan chhoot rahi hai,
Un galiyon ko bhula na dena tum;


Hamare jism ki lau jal rahi hai,
Us lau ko bujhne na dena tum;


Meri maa aur behen jo ro rahin hain,
Un maa behen pe hans na dena tum;


Jis desh ki keemat hamari zindagi hai,
Us desh ka sauda na kar dena tum;


Bas itni zaroorat hamein lag rahi hai,
Wapas ghar na aaye toh maa ke paaon chhoo lena tum.

Telepathy - My Take

TELEPATHY

“Communication from one mind to another by extrasensory means”; that is how the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term. 

Well the dictionary also defines the term God. But it doesn’t mean everybody believes in Him. It also doesn’t mean that everybody perceives Him exactly the same. Same goes with telepathy. Here are my thoughts on the concept.

The law of Conservation of Energy states that the total amount of energy in an isolated system remains constant over time; energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transformed/transferred. When I marry this law with the sentiment of telepathy, I come up with a reasonable rationalization behind the phenomenon that is telepathy. (#Nerd Alert!)

Put simply, telepathy is when I think of someone and they know I’m thinking of them. The terms ‘think’ and ‘know’ need some explanation in this context.

Think – in the context of telepathy, this thought of someone should be subconscious, involuntary and might even take you by surprise. You cannot decide "I wish to have telepathy with this person today"; nobody can do that (maybe psychics?). Ever so often I find myself thinking about a person from my past -  schoolmate, colleague, vegetable vendor, grocery store owner, friend, cousin, lady I met in the bus, teacher/professor, senior in school/college I’ve never spoken to, parent of a friend, friend of a friend, neighbor, past crush, school auto driver, a patient, a patient’s relative….. I don’t consciously think about them but still they come to mind. The ‘thinking’ can range from a fleeting thought to a constant perception of their presence throughout the day (not sure what determines one from the other, maybe how much I am/have been influenced by them?). And as a principle I remember them in my bedtime prayers, including a small segment for them in addition to my routine prayers. That’s not all. When you pray, when you think, you send out vibrations/energies/waves out there into the universe (which here is our isolated system) unknowingly of course. And if the law of conservation of energy was to hold true, this quantum is not supposed to be destroyed. According to me, this energy is perceived by the person in question. And the prayers that I say for them, well, He notes them and acts according to His will :)

This brings me to the next term that needs elaboration – ‘know’, as in “they know I’m thinking of them”. In order to discuss this, let me become the person being thought about. So when someone somewhere thinks of me, how do I know? Maybe in the form of the fleeting thought or constant perception mentioned above, maybe by my crappy day suddenly seeing its highlight, maybe by me being able to catch the bus when both of us are late ;) and many other ways which I am oblivious to yet. That is what makes it so special; the energies you receive may not necessarily be perceived. We need to learn to identify these energy packets sent to us. Trust me; each day would be special because on your darkest day you will realize there is no such thing as ‘does anybody really care’. People care for you, they love you.

And this brings me further to what we do once we realize we just experienced ‘telepathy’ with someone. Praying certainly works. In your prayers, say good things about them (be sincere!), wish good for them and remember happy moments spent with them. Writing down or saying out loud your wishes for them is another way. And most importantly, wherever possible, make contact; text them, call them, email them, write on their facebook wall, send them a ‘missing you’ or a ‘thinking of you’ greeting; nothing lifts the spirits better than knowing someone somewhere is thinking of you. What are the other things you can do once you realize?

For now, go ahead, make life lovely, yours and theirs. It's so easy to love the people you love!             

Not Being Scared is Also an Option

DEALING WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS

Nothing on earth can prepare you for the day you hear the diagnosis, be it for yourself or for someone you love. When it invades your inner circle, you are left with no choice but to deal with it, to your best ability.

Not a long while ago, this phenomenon graced my life. But like all the million other things, it didn't affect me very directly' it happened to someone in my life; it was close enough for me to take a lesson nonetheless. 

Nobody knows exactly what you feel being in face of such a horrible phenomenon. The doctors know the pathology, the family knows the prognosis, and the friends know they will miss you. But they will not understand what you are going through. Nobody would unless they have been there.

At such a desperate time, there are a few things one should not ignore.

1.      You are Not Alone

There is a large group of people out there, just like yourself, who have been fighting the same or similar disease, who know or can understand what you are going through now and what you will be battling against in the future. Try to get in touch with them; an impersonal relationship held strong by the bond of parallel suffering can create wonders!

2.      There is So Much to Know

There is a vast pool of knowledge available on the subject; you just need to look into the right place, ask the right people. Try to talk to rather than consult your doctor, or a relative or friend who is a doctor. Years of medical training prepares a doctor to be non critical.  Don’t let the fear of being judged or pitied upon come in your way of gathering as much information about your condition as possible. Doctors are here to help you; they would be pleased to contribute to your relief. Ask questions - silly, intelligent, technical, too many, repeated; these questions and their correct responses would become your friends in your time of crisis. And of course, being forewarned is being forearmed. You will know what to expect and be better able to prevent or manage certain stages yet to come. It would also give a better chance to your doctors to manage your illness more effectively.

3.      Numbers Can be Terrifying

Figures are just numbers. Don’t go around looking for survival percentages. That is what my relative did, and being a non-clinical person that he is, these figures did nothing but scare him and depress him further. They are just statistical data and are frightening for sure. But bottom-line is, they do not tell the whole story; they do not give the personal account. Your state of mind alone can determine which group of the statistical figures you belong to!

4.      Valuing What 'Is' More Than What 'Isn’t'

Be grateful for what you have; there are many out there who would give anything to have some of the things that you do. Count your blessings and be determined to make the best of the available time. Organize your life. Take stock of all your business dealings, your finances, your legal papers and your will. These are important and complex issues; you wouldn’t want to deal with these decisions when unwell. Tackle these when your health isn’t too bad.

5.      Leave a Legacy

Your family and friends deserve to remember you in all positivity. It is their right to think about you after you are gone and thinking about you should make them happy. Make videos, presentations, letters, or collages for them, for their important events – graduation, birthdays, weddings, becoming parents. You owe it to them, to leave them with fond memories of you, to let them know how you feel about them, to let them know how proud you are of them or how grateful you are for having them in your life, to make it easier for them to wind up your finances and legalities after you. You may live more completely and meaningfully in those few years than many people who live to be old.

6.      Help Yourself

Introspection and self suggestion are very strong weapons in times of adversity. (They aren't difficult things to do. Any person with a functioning mind and hence an ability to think can do it.) Write a journal or a diary. Note down your fears, apprehensions, angers, frustrations, insecurities, triumphs, happy moments, moments when you felt peaceful, your goals. Going back to earlier pages would show you how far you’ve come as a fighter and how your response has changed or needs to change with each passing day of the illness. Your outlook towards many things would change and you will certainly feel contentment.

7.      Indulge

Do things which were considered selfish till now. Of course not ignoring your family in the process, try to fulfill that one dream you had, that one sport you wanted to play, that one place you wanted to visit; go bungee jumping (if you are healthy enough), go on a cruise, go to a beach, go visit a relative or an old friend. Stop putting off doing and caring for things which seemed trivial or silly. Live life a bit more. Work on your marriage; make your spouse feel they have the best life partner in this whole world. Make most of the time you have.

8.      Talk

And very importantly, talk about it. The illness, the treatment, the suffering, the imminent death should not be out-of-bounds topics in the household or among friends. Talk openly about it; try to answer any questions thrown across to the best of your ability, seeking help and advice on death and spirituality on the way. Talking more and  more about it is probably the best way to achieve objectivity on the matter, which will certainly help greatly.

Your disease is not you. It doesn’t define you. You have got the disease, the disease hasn’t got you. You are capable of living the limited time to the fullest and making it count. Leave behind a legacy that everyone who knows you learns from and tries to copy.

In 1909, Mark Twain is quoted as saying: (source Wikipedia)

“I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'“ His prediction was accurate – Twain died of a heart attack on April 21, 1910, in Connecticut, one day after the comet's closest approach to Earth. Now wouldn’t that be a nice way to look at death! Remember, not being scared is also an option :)

  

If I Die Young - The Band Perry

To hear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NJqUN9TClM&ob=av2e

If I die young, bury me in satin,

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me I the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother

She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors

Oh, and life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no

Aint even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life

Well, I’ve had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life

Well, I’ve had just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom

I’m as green as the ring on my little cold finger

I’ve never known the loving of a man

But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand

There’s a boy here in town, says he’ll love me forever

Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life

Well, I’ve had just enough time

So put on your bets, boys, and I’ll wear my pearls

What I never did is done.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell ‘em for a dollar

They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singing

Funny, when you’re dead how people start listening

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

The ballads of a dove

Go with peace and love

Gather up your tears, keep ‘em in your pocket

Save them for a time when you’re really gonna need ‘em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life

Well, I’ve had just enough time

So put on your bet, boys

And I’ll wear my pearls

Wise Old Man

Birbal Cooks Khichdi. 
One of the stories I read in Champak back in the ‘90s (I can’t believe I just called it that ’back in the 90s’!) The story keeps coming back to me. The beginning of the story involves the king Akbar declaring a hefty monetary prize for any person who would dare to spend one night in the freezing pond of the town. A poor old man, in desperate need for money to feed hi starving family, decides to attempt. He manages to get through the night and is awarded the promised cash. When asked how he could keep up the strength and determination (and other such heavy words), the simpleton that he was, all he could reply was that he happened to notice a light in the distance and he concentrated all his thoughts on that light for the whole night. That is how he could make it to morning. The king’s court had its share of sycophants and evil minded people who objected the prize money saying the old man obtained heat from that light source. The king, mind-blinded by the power and the illogical voices surrounding him, took the money back. Mr Birbal couldn’t bear to see this and decided to make the king realize his mistake. He did that in his own sweet way and we all know the rest of the story. But that is not the point I'm making. For me, the hero of the story is the old man (well that's one way to look at the story!)

The weak old man made it through the cruel cold night. That is what makes him a hero (obviously I'm sure he doesn't know he's been given the hero status). First, he wanted that money real desperately. Second, he knew he had no choice but to stay in the water for the whole night, facing the cold. Third, he looked for that one light in the otherwise black night. He decided to give importance to that far located light and not to the water around his body or to the black darkness of the night or to the numbing cold of the weather and the water. That light returned the attention in kind and helped him survive the ordeal. (Nice no?)

Life as a human being is a gift. Only a very small proportion of living forms in this universe are given this beautiful gift by God. It is not right to return it to God saying “Thanks, but no thanks”. Living the life beautifully will lead one to meet Him. Meeting Him is the prize money. In order to get there, we have to go through life and there is no way out of this. Living your share of life is just like the old man having to stay in the water for the whole night. Difficult times and sadness are the dark night and the chilling weather. Now it is up to us to look for that one light source, identify it and make it all-important. It will surely help us get through the cold night. Because like the night, trying times will surely end and like the next morning there will be a not-so-bad time to follow. We just need to find that light and concentrate on it.

While in the water, the man felt cold, wet, his skin wrinkled, he may have been bitten by the creatures in the pond. He may have cried. He may have cursed. He may have wished he was dead. He may have thought of forgetting about the money and giving up. Of course he may have; he is human after all. But he overcame all these and did what made him emerge a victor (and also a hero according to me) at the end. He held on, strong. He cried, cursed, but did not give up. He saw the one good that he could see and pulled through the night. He may have been poor, weak, old. But he certainly was very wise! 

Be like the old man. Cry, curse, contemplate; do whatever comes to you while in pain and tough times. But never give up, never think about getting out of the pond. Hold on and the prize is yours!

The story : (I have come across slightly differing versions of the same story, the message remains the same nonetheless. Following is one of the versions)

It was winter. The ponds were all frozen. At the court, Akbar asked Birbal, "Tell me Birbal! Will a man do anything for money?" Birbal replied, 'Yes'. The emperor ordered him to prove it.

The next day Birbal came to the court along with a poor brahmin who merely had a penny left with him. His family was starving. Birbal told the king that the brahmin was ready to do anything for the sake of money. The king ordered the brahmin to be inside the frozen pond all through the night without any attire if he needed money. The poor brahmin had no choice. The whole night he was inside the pond, shivering. He returned to the durbaar (court) the next day to receive his reward.

The king asked "Tell me Oh poor Brahmin! How could you withstand the extreme temperature all through the night?" The innocent Brahmin replied "I could see a faintly glowing light a few kilometers away and I withstood with that ray of light." The court members started whispering among themselves and managed to convince Akbar that he had got warmth from the light and that was cheating. Akbar turned him away, without the prize money. The poor brahmin could not argue with him and so returned disappointed and bare-handed. Birbal tried to explain to the king but the king was in no mood to listen to him. 


A few days later Birbal invited the emperor to his place for dinner. He requested the emperor to skip lunch that day so that he can eat to his heart's content at Birbal's house. Akbar showed up at Birbal's place on the decided day and found him sitting outside his house, with a small fire burning and a pot of khichdi placed several feet above the fire. He was confused, but knowing how wise Birbal was, decided to keep mum. After some time he asked Birbal how long would it be before they can have their dinner. "As soon as the khichdi is cooked Jahaanpanah" was Birbal's only reply. The reply remained the same  every time the king inquired about dinner. Hours after hours passed and the emperor's hunger increased and eventually became unbearable. He finally lashed out at Birbal "How will the khichdi get cooked when you have placed the pot so distant from the fire? The heat from the fire is not even touching the pot. Have you called me here to keep me hungry?" At this, Birbal smiled in his usual manner and said, "Oh my great king! When a person can get heat from a small light source situated kilometers away, why can my khichdi not be cooked by this fire?" Akbar understood his folly. The very next day he called the poor Brahmin and rewarded him handsomely.