DEALING WITH A TERMINAL ILLNESS
Nothing on earth can prepare you for the day you hear the diagnosis, be it for yourself or for someone you love. When it invades your inner circle, you are left with no choice but to deal with it, to your best ability.
Not a long while ago, this phenomenon graced my life. But like all the million other things, it didn't affect me very directly' it happened to someone in my life; it was close enough for me to take a lesson nonetheless.
Nobody knows exactly what you feel being in face of such a horrible phenomenon. The doctors know the pathology, the family knows the prognosis, and the friends know they will miss you. But they will not understand what you are going through. Nobody would unless they have been there.
At such a desperate time, there are a few things one should not ignore.
1. You are Not Alone
There is a large group of people out there, just like yourself, who have been fighting the same or similar disease, who know or can understand what you are going through now and what you will be battling against in the future. Try to get in touch with them; an impersonal relationship held strong by the bond of parallel suffering can create wonders!
2. There is So Much to Know
There is a vast pool of knowledge available on the subject; you just need to look into the right place, ask the right people. Try to talk to rather than consult your doctor, or a relative or friend who is a doctor. Years of medical training prepares a doctor to be non critical. Don’t let the fear of being judged or pitied upon come in your way of gathering as much information about your condition as possible. Doctors are here to help you; they would be pleased to contribute to your relief. Ask questions - silly, intelligent, technical, too many, repeated; these questions and their correct responses would become your friends in your time of crisis. And of course, being forewarned is being forearmed. You will know what to expect and be better able to prevent or manage certain stages yet to come. It would also give a better chance to your doctors to manage your illness more effectively.
3. Numbers Can be Terrifying
Figures are just numbers. Don’t go around looking for survival percentages. That is what my relative did, and being a non-clinical person that he is, these figures did nothing but scare him and depress him further. They are just statistical data and are frightening for sure. But bottom-line is, they do not tell the whole story; they do not give the personal account. Your state of mind alone can determine which group of the statistical figures you belong to!
4. Valuing What 'Is' More Than What 'Isn’t'
Be grateful for what you have; there are many out there who would give anything to have some of the things that you do. Count your blessings and be determined to make the best of the available time. Organize your life. Take stock of all your business dealings, your finances, your legal papers and your will. These are important and complex issues; you wouldn’t want to deal with these decisions when unwell. Tackle these when your health isn’t too bad.
5. Leave a Legacy
Your family and friends deserve to remember you in all positivity. It is their right to think about you after you are gone and thinking about you should make them happy. Make videos, presentations, letters, or collages for them, for their important events – graduation, birthdays, weddings, becoming parents. You owe it to them, to leave them with fond memories of you, to let them know how you feel about them, to let them know how proud you are of them or how grateful you are for having them in your life, to make it easier for them to wind up your finances and legalities after you. You may live more completely and meaningfully in those few years than many people who live to be old.
6. Help Yourself
Introspection and self suggestion are very strong weapons in times of adversity. (They aren't difficult things to do. Any person with a functioning mind and hence an ability to think can do it.) Write a journal or a diary. Note down your fears, apprehensions, angers, frustrations, insecurities, triumphs, happy moments, moments when you felt peaceful, your goals. Going back to earlier pages would show you how far you’ve come as a fighter and how your response has changed or needs to change with each passing day of the illness. Your outlook towards many things would change and you will certainly feel contentment.
7. Indulge
Do things which were considered selfish till now. Of course not ignoring your family in the process, try to fulfill that one dream you had, that one sport you wanted to play, that one place you wanted to visit; go bungee jumping (if you are healthy enough), go on a cruise, go to a beach, go visit a relative or an old friend. Stop putting off doing and caring for things which seemed trivial or silly. Live life a bit more. Work on your marriage; make your spouse feel they have the best life partner in this whole world. Make most of the time you have.
8. Talk
And very importantly, talk about it. The illness, the treatment, the suffering, the imminent death should not be out-of-bounds topics in the household or among friends. Talk openly about it; try to answer any questions thrown across to the best of your ability, seeking help and advice on death and spirituality on the way. Talking more and more about it is probably the best way to achieve objectivity on the matter, which will certainly help greatly.
Your disease is not you. It doesn’t define you. You have got the disease, the disease hasn’t got you. You are capable of living the limited time to the fullest and making it count. Leave behind a legacy that everyone who knows you learns from and tries to copy.
In 1909, Mark Twain is quoted as saying: (source Wikipedia)
“I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'“ His prediction was accurate – Twain died of a heart attack on April 21, 1910, in Connecticut
