An Open Letter to the Woman on the Bus

It's been a little over 2 months in the new city now. Not a day has passed by when I did not remember New Orleans, my first home in this country. Getting some free time (an extreme rarity for most grad students), I was revisiting my write-ups and found this open letter I had written in 2010; still valid, still very much a source of motivation for me. Read on!

THE LADY ON THE BUS

12:17 PM, route 39, NORTA. That’s where I saw you. More than once. That is the route and time you must take to work. And that's what I used to take some days to reach school. You were one of the many faces I used to see regularly on the bus. I remember you sat on one of the front seats. But what I remember you the most for is your kind heart.

That day, like many other days, a young AA lady got on the bus with a child. She was probably not ready to be a mother – mentally, emotionally, financially and, not to mention, physically. She was like many other young mothers of the city, overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood, by the responsibilities of nurturing another life, another whole individual. And while she did all that, she likely didn’t have enough support from her family or husband (if she was married) or the child’s father (if he still was a part of her life). She held her baby on her waist and got on the bus. The driver naturally asked her for $1.25 for the fare. She couldn’t give the $0.25 of it, I’m not sure why, maybe she was short on cash, maybe she didn’t have change, I don’t know. But she needed a quarter. And you gave it to her. You immediately reached for your little purse, for change, and handed her the quarter. Did you know her? Most likely not. Did you expect to get those 25 cents back? Umm, no.

You and the other women of New Orleans are like women in India, (some a pivotal part of my life), working hard, making sure your families get what they want, bearing the hardships of bus travel, changing buses to get to work daily, giving their best at work, returning home in those very buses and attending to the house work, anticipating and sometimes even bearing husbands’ abuses and then getting ready for another similar day the next morning. During all this, what keeps you going is something I may never understand. What drives you to get out of bed and be ready to face the day is out of the reach of my imagination. Maybe the day I realize what this force is, I will respect you all even more. And that would also make me feel more awe for the Maker who has presented you with the strength. For such a woman, $0.25 is probably an hour worth of work. Giving it to a stranger or an almost stranger with no surety of getting it back or seeing the person ever again, is something that only the kindest heart can do. I believe I have a kind heart and this gesture came as a surprise for me. Thinking about this gesture even today stings my eyes and I feel a tear or two flowing down my face. And I wouldn’t want this tear to ever stop shaping up.

I feel you can never be kind enough and that there is always room for being slightly kinder. Also there are a million ways to be kind and compassionate. You showed me one of those. I don’t know what your name is or where you live. You don’t know me, may not even know I exist. So writing this letter, which will never ever be seen by you, seems pointless. But I am sure of one thing and that is my Maker knows the contents of my letter. And He will definitely convey my feelings and sincere gratitude to you, in His own special manner. Thank you so much the woman on the bus for being so kind and caring, for showing me one newer way to be kind, for giving something to this world, for having touched me enough to bring a tear to my eye. I can never forget you, I can never forget what you did, and I can never forget the impact it has had on me. I cannot tell how, at this moment, but this has definitely contributed to the growth of my soul. I might know eventually and that day I will thank you once again, for a specific reason. Until then, all I can say is, you may not know how you touch someone’s life by a mere act of kindness. So continue to be kind and giving. You are terrific and please be so forever.

My bestest wishes for you!

Thanks once again. :)

    

Bereavement - Death and the other kind

This is for a friend. A friend who is not a friend by definition; who has been a teacher, a colleague, a boss, a mentor; who has faced many a storms throughout life; who has faced yet another fairly recently; and who, I know, has stood strong in all those storms. My prayers for my friend, that nested in my heart and were shared only with my Maker, are hereby sent to the universe, by means of this post. 

We have all suffered loss of a dear one. Sometimes we lose  them to quietus and sometimes the loss is not a physical one involving inter-world travel. Either way, it is hurtful. Either way, it leaves a void impossible to fill. We do find a new friend, a new brother-figure, a new love, but honestly thinking, the new found person never actually replaces the one you have lost. We say we move on. But in reality, rarely ever do we 'move on'. What happens, always stays with us - in the form of a memory, in the form of a lesson we learnt, in the form of a personality trait we developed or let go, in the form of the void left by the end of something/someone or the newly filled space by something/someone - at least a part of what happens, or who we know, always stays. We don't really move on; we only move forward. And that's how it should be. After all, is it fair to completely ignore someone or something that you once held so special?!

When a loved one leaves us, we are often left without a satisfactory understanding of the last moments of their existence - their existence in this world or in our lives, as the case may be. And there hardly is a way for us to understand it now after their departure. Feelings of frustrated helplessness shape up and those who have felt it know how debilitating the state of frustrated helplessness can be. And with the frustration and the helplessness, there is of course the accompanying mélange of anger, hurt, sorrow, deceit and injustice. Not a pleasant place to be in on any account! How does one find their mental balance then? "What I do know today, with complete assurance, is that his soul is at peace" is how my above mentioned friend has chosen to look at this time of bereavement. We can never estimate the amount of strength such a thought can bring in one's tough time until we actually practice it. When someone is no longer a part of your life, of your world, it just makes sense to remember them positively and wish them only well. Each individual in this world is rich enough to be able to give something to the others and surely the person we have lost has given something to us. I feel it prudent to be grateful for all the positive they brought us and pray for peace to them, wherever they are. Touché my friend :)

The 5 stages of grief handling are known to most - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, together form DABDA. And any reasonable mind knows that the ultimate destination, after any form of loss, is the 2nd 'A' in DABDA, that of Acceptance. When we know we have to reach it and only reaching it will bring us peace, why not assist our own self through that journey! Of course bottling up one's emotions is never healthy; one shouldn't try to skip through any of these stages, but acknowledging the hurt, understanding it and giving it time to wane helps. Two things that I know work beautifully are law of reverse association and positive self suggestion. The laws of association partly explain why we look how we feel - we are chirpy and upbeat when we feel happy inside and dull and morose when unhappy. The reverse of this is true too. When unhappy on the inside, try to smile more, look for reasons to laugh and you will automatically feel less sad. You are not driving away the unhappy experience, just handling it better. And the other thing - positive self suggestion. Treat yourself as a best friend going through a rough phase. What do we do when a friend is unhappy? Console them, give them perspective, give them hope, understand them, treat them with utmost kindness? Why treat yourself any different? I often tell myself "I feel bad. Very bad. Still. What happened is sad and I have every reason to feel this way. But I know I will not always feel bad. I have to reach the last 'A' of DABDA and I will, when I'm ready. In the meantime, I just need to hold on, need to keep my faith, need to smile." Here again, the simplest words hide the most powerful effect on the mind.

I read somewhere, 'life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it'. Loss of someone loved is an irreversible phenomenon in most cases. It would be a sad situation to lose even your inner grace and faith in the Maker. It is only when you have cleared tests for the 1st grade, do you get to go to the 2nd grade; the tests become tougher and tougher with each higher grade you get to, but never too tough for a child in that particular grade; the test is given according to the child's ability. And these 'tests' do not end with school.... But as for everything in life, faith and friends never fail!! :) 

Saluting Keenan and Reuben

A group of friends, who have been together for years, go for dinner to a much talked about restaurant in the suburbs of one of the most populous cities of the world and probably the most 'happening' city in the country. This is the city which has its rich and its poor, its elite and its unemployed, its opportunities and its failures, its dreams and its disappointments, its lions and its rats. The friends get out of the restaurant, satisfied with the food they just consumed and are waiting for some paan, to freshen their breaths and probably to spend some more time together. The girls in the group are seen by a local 'goon' and as happens every so often, he thinks it his birth right to pass lewd remarks at her and make her (and others around) uncomfortable. The girl quietly listens, tries to ignore this 'man' (I'm being polite here) and then leaves with the group like everything is alright. Sounds like a very common story. It is. In most parts of India. Even more so in the 'big city' areas. But what if I changed just the last part of it? Instead of the girl quietly ignoring the obscenities dished out to her, what if I was to say that the girl responded rudely and that her guy friends confronted the perv and that the perv disappeared immediately only to reappear with a group of, hold your breaths, 20 other degenerates like himself, to get even with the 4-5 20 something year olds and that these 20 creatures are all 'equipped' with sticks and swords and knives and that they start beating the guys who resisted the untoward advances being made to their female friends and that this 'fight' (totally unfair not to mention) ends up with one of the friends dying on the spot of multiple stab injuries and another being taken to the hospital (to eventually end up dead 10 odd days later), in front of a full and passive audience. Chilling right! What makes it even chillier is that this is a true story. 

Whatever happened with Keenan Santos and Reuben Fernandes (may their souls rest in peace) is ghastly as much as it is unfortunate. My initial reaction was of sorrow, obviously. But I realized soon that sadness was only a little part of what I actually felt. Awe, respect, wanting-to-salute, wish-to-hug were more like what I was actually experiencing for these two lads. They gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "anything for friends". “Ladne ke liye jaan nahi, JIGAR ki zaroorat hoti hai” (You don’t need to have ‘life’ that you can give to fight, all you need is the courage to do so) was what Keenan often told close friends (quoting Reuben’s brother). Their deaths will not go unnoticed in the eyes of the Maker that I'm sure of!

Naturally this incident was followed by a ruckus created by social media and the news agencies; hours of television news covering the story over and over again and groups/pages formed on networking sites for people to join in order to show support. On many of these groups and pages I found written that their purpose was to send a strong message to the authorities pressurizing them to hasten the legal proceedings on the matter; there were links to petitions to be signed by the supporters as well. But what perturbed me the most was posts by alleged members declaring their ‘wishes’ for the culprits to be given ‘capital punishment’, to be ‘killed’/’tortured’ in public, and some not-mentionable treatments to be delivered to them. This tinge of an acute sense of revenge is hard to miss when navigating through these pages. And then of course there is the rant about people, just standing there and not coming to the aid of the youth as they struggled. Other commonly seen comments and posts deal with the fractured judicial system of the country, the ‘race’ of the perpetrators, expletives thrown towards the police etc. (though there was one guy who advertised his dental clinic on the page too!! Can you imagine!! Spammers!! Ubiquitous!! And unstoppable!!) But I guess that is the general sentiment of the mass, ‘kill those who killed’. The end result? Kinda stupid isn’t it? ‘Killing’ or ‘punishing’ the goons is not going to bring Keenan and Reuben back. Or is it? :-/ Also, these guys died doing exactly what the audience present there is being blamed of NOT doing, interfering in something not directly affecting them, ‘helping others’ so to speak. Not a very encouraging example I think!

So what now? Should the initial story that I mentioned be accepted as a part of an Indian woman’s normal life? Should friends like Keenan and Reuben start ignoring such incidents? Or should everybody from the audience also start behaving like Keenan and Reuben and ‘help’ those in trouble? There isn’t a straight answer to this or a similar situation. Not a fair one of course. But then again, there are so many questions that do not have an actual answer.

But this leaves me wondering, I feel I can do anything for people I love. But when it comes to giving up my life, will I be courageous enough? Would I go that far? Guess we’ll find out!

I personally feel utmost regard for these two boys and the many like them, who do not refrain from standing up for what they believe is right. As Keenan said, it requires courage, lots of it, to fight for something. It is people like him who impact others’ lives positively. And the life which positively affects another, even one, is nothing short of phenomenal. Salute!!

     

          

Paradise - Coldplay

Favorite band, favorite record of theirs, favorite song on the record. Paradise. (Oh Chris Martin!)
To hear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg&ob=av3e


When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach 
So she ran away in her sleep 
And dreamed of 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach 
And the bullets catch in her teeth 
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night 
She'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night 
Away she'd fly
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh 

lalalalalalalalalalala 
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh

The Three Most Important Words

Down in the dumps? Remember the three most important words known to man; no, even more important than 'I Love You'; the words are KEEP THE FAITH. Read below to know more.

As much as we would like to think we are, we aren't, invincible that is. People, situations, world news, words (said and left unsaid), deeds, they all affect us. Just the degree differs. And also how honest we are in accepting the fact that we've been affected differs. So when all the things mentioned above - people, situations, news, words and deeds - affect us negatively, what do we do? Simple, change. Wait, sorry, it's not always that simple. Let's take it case by case.


Can we change the people around us? In some conditions yes we can. Meaning to say we can surround ourselves with different people, who are less negative, or who make us feel good about ourselves. Okay, established. But can we change those people? Change the person that they are? Can you change yourself? I guess it would be difficult right! When you realize how difficult it is to change your own self, the one you know inside out and have complete control over, imagine what little chance you have of changing someone else. So forget about it. It's neither your prerogative, nor in your capacity. 


What about situations? Can we change those? To an extent we can, but to a very little extent. Human beings, vegetables or cosmic dust, we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible player; Albert Einstein can't go wrong. Do all you can to change what has happened, but you may soon find there's not much that can be done. Whatever happened, happened because it was destined to. The sooner you accept, the better.


Words and Deeds. Now these can be of two kinds, words said and deeds done or words left unsaid or deeds left undone (quite a mouthful!). Here too, if seen from a fresh perspective, the said/done words/deeds may seem less offensive than they initially did. Not always though. So then, the next logical and fair step is clarification. Depending on who the words/deeds are of, it is wise to clarify it with them rather than beating yourself over it. It happens, more often than not, that you see a completely different meaning or intention behind those words/deeds after having clarified (provided both parties have been truthful of course). It can save lot many friendships from seeing an unnecessary end! So now what about words/deeds unsaid or not done? The first question that needs to be asked here is "is my expectation appropriate?" If you answer yes to that, ask "is there any reason why the other person would deliberately not do or say as I expect him/her to?". Nobody wants to hurt anybody deliberately. But still it happens and it is no doubt very unfortunate. But expecting someone to know your expectations without you ever talking about it is a tad unfair to that person. So, check the legitimacy and clarity of your own expectations; if in place, then check the other person for malice or ignorance. Things might start falling into place. Language has been invented by man in order to communicate, do not waste such an ingenious invention! 


I can also elaborate on changing world news; will end up concluding that not much can be done to drastically change that either. Does it mean that when any of these bring us down, there is no way for us to get back up? Is apathy and perpetual depression the answer? Well, for some it may be! But there's a better answer. Two actually. Put simply, the answers are Perception and Prayer. (Wow, the Perfect Punch to a Problem are Perception and Prayer!)


Look at the situation from top. No, the 19th floor isn't what I mean. I mean look at it as a third person. Remove yourself from it, and replace a woman/man (as the case may be) for you, and look at it as something happening to that woman/man. "This man has just been ridiculed by his senior for the error he made in the report", "this woman has had a fight with her good friend because of something she failed to do", "this woman is mad at her husband because he didn't do what she expected" etc. Detach and see the situation as though it is a story you are reading. Isn't it just too easy to know if a character is wrong or right, or what he should/shouldn't have done while reading a story? Why is that? It is because you are not one of the characters, and that gives you the ability to be completely objective and fair. Why treat your own life any different? Go on, be a reader of your story. You will be amazed to see sides that you couldn't earlier. And the perspective you receive by doing so, is nothing short of liberating!


Changing perception to a situation is a good way to deal with things. But it doesn't suddenly make you go from feeling low to feeling on top of the world. At such a time, pray. Merely saying a prayer is different than praying. Pray, with all your heart, with all your hope, with all that you are. Don't be shy. Of all people who know you, He knows you the best and there is nothing hidden from Him. Be honest, be sincere and tell Him how you feel. He listens, evaluates and then gives you what you need. But in all this, the one thing that you should never let go of, is hope. 


Praying and changing perception will not lessen the burden per se, but they'll surely help you feel stronger and readier to tackle the burden that you (and only you) have to. And what better time to reach out to friends than the worst of times!


Remember, Keep the Faith. God has a plan for you :)    

Helping a Friend

A friend in need is a friend indeed – one of the so many proverbs taught to us as part of our English syllabus in school. I still remember I was first introduced to this maxim when I was 5 or 6, and it confused me. The thought process of my raw mind was “if a friend of mine needs me then how is he/she a true friend?” Not the exact words of course, but something to the effect. Obviously I came to realize the actual meaning of the proverb eventually, but my naiveté was fun to share and also that is something I’m writing about, helping a friend in need, and becoming a friend indeed!

How do you help a friend? You see a friend in distress, you know it in the deepest corners of your psyche that they are troubled, yet you do not have an exact reason for their state of mind; they don’t help you with that either. They are either too shy or too proud to ask for your help, or they don’t look at you as someone who can ‘help’. Maybe they are right. This is a particularly delicate proposition for you. Do you leave them alone and let them heal on their own, do you cheer them up with anecdotes, do you give them food for soul (in the form of ‘wise words’) or do you just forget about it, after all you aren’t even sure if they are facing a problem. All these options seem equally good. Yet listing them like this doesn’t help you choose what you should go for. One thing that works here is prayer. As a wise Sagittarian once said “a prayer in its simplest definition is merely a wish turned Godward”, let Him know of how well you wish of your friend, and then, hope. Given that you don’t know what better to do, having a little faith would give incredible strength to you. And good wishes from the heart are bound to reach the friend and give them strength too. You, as a friend, may not be able to enlighten them with ‘the solution’ to their problem/s, you may not be able to hear them out, you may not be able to lessen their burden, but you will surely be able to contribute in making their back stronger, more capable of carrying their load.

Sometimes a prayer is all you can give.            

An Ode to a Soldier

This is a poem from a very dear friend of mine. An ability to pen beautiful verses is one of the many things he has been blessed with.

"As I drove to work I heard a great song from the point of view of a soldier. It inspired me to write this little ode.
In Canada we have started a bit of tradition called Highway of Heroes. On August 24, 2007 the portion of the highway between Trenton and the Don Valley Parkway in Toronto was designated as the Highway of Heroes as the road is traveled by fallen Canadian soldiers from the Canadian Forces Base to the coroner's office in Toronto. I use the 401 every day, but rarely do I remember those who shall ride it for the last time!


An Ode to a Soldier


Jahaan rakt ki nadiyaan behti hain,
Ek baar usmein nahaa lena tum;


Jin galiyon mein jaan chhoot rahi hai,
Un galiyon ko bhula na dena tum;


Hamare jism ki lau jal rahi hai,
Us lau ko bujhne na dena tum;


Meri maa aur behen jo ro rahin hain,
Un maa behen pe hans na dena tum;


Jis desh ki keemat hamari zindagi hai,
Us desh ka sauda na kar dena tum;


Bas itni zaroorat hamein lag rahi hai,
Wapas ghar na aaye toh maa ke paaon chhoo lena tum.