Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bereavement - Death and the other kind




This is for a friend. A friend who is not a friend by definition; who has been a teacher, a colleague, a boss, a mentor; who has faced many a storms throughout life; who has faced yet another fairly recently; and who, I know, has stood strong in all those storms. My prayers for my friend, that nested in my heart and were shared only with my Maker, are hereby sent to the universe, by means of this post. 

We have all suffered loss of a dear one. Sometimes we lose  them to quietus and sometimes the loss is not a physical one involving inter-world travel. Either way, it is hurtful. Either way, it leaves a void impossible to fill. We do find a new friend, a new brother-figure, a new love, but honestly thinking, the new found person never actually replaces the one you have lost. We say we move on. But in reality, rarely ever do we 'move on'. What happens, always stays with us - in the form of a memory, in the form of a lesson we learnt, in the form of a personality trait we developed or let go, in the form of the void left by the end of something/someone or the newly filled space by something/someone - at least a part of what happens, or who we know, always stays. We don't really move on; we only move forward. And that's how it should be. After all, is it fair to completely ignore someone or something that you once held so special?!

When a loved one leaves us, we are often left without a satisfactory understanding of the last moments of their existence - their existence in this world or in our lives, as the case may be. And there hardly is a way for us to understand it now after their departure. Feelings of frustrated helplessness shape up and those who have felt it know how debilitating the state of frustrated helplessness can be. And with the frustration and the helplessness, there is of course the accompanying mélange of anger, hurt, sorrow, deceit and injustice. Not a pleasant place to be in on any account! How does one find their mental balance then? "What I do know today, with complete assurance, is that his soul is at peace" is how my above mentioned friend has chosen to look at this time of bereavement. We can never estimate the amount of strength such a thought can bring in one's tough time until we actually practice it. When someone is no longer a part of your life, of your world, it just makes sense to remember them positively and wish them only well. Each individual in this world is rich enough to be able to give something to the others and surely the person we have lost has given something to us. I feel it prudent to be grateful for all the positive they brought us and pray for peace to them, wherever they are. Touché my friend :)

The 5 stages of grief handling are known to most - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, together form DABDA. And any reasonable mind knows that the ultimate destination, after any form of loss, is the 2nd 'A' in DABDA, that of Acceptance. When we know we have to reach it and only reaching it will bring us peace, why not assist our own self through that journey! Of course bottling up one's emotions is never healthy; one shouldn't try to skip through any of these stages, but acknowledging the hurt, understanding it and giving it time to wane helps. Two things that I know work beautifully are law of reverse association and positive self suggestion. The laws of association partly explain why we look how we feel - we are chirpy and upbeat when we feel happy inside and dull and morose when unhappy. The reverse of this is true too. When unhappy on the inside, try to smile more, look for reasons to laugh and you will automatically feel less sad. You are not driving away the unhappy experience, just handling it better. And the other thing - positive self suggestion. Treat yourself as a best friend going through a rough phase. What do we do when a friend is unhappy? Console them, give them perspective, give them hope, understand them, treat them with utmost kindness? Why treat yourself any different? I often tell myself "I feel bad. Very bad. Still. What happened is sad and I have every reason to feel this way. But I know I will not always feel bad. I have to reach the last 'A' of DABDA and I will, when I'm ready. In the meantime, I just need to hold on, need to keep my faith, need to smile." Here again, the simplest words hide the most powerful effect on the mind.

I read somewhere, 'life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it'. Loss of someone loved is an irreversible phenomenon in most cases. It would be a sad situation to lose even your inner grace and faith in the Maker. It is only when you have cleared tests for the 1st grade, do you get to go to the 2nd grade; the tests become tougher and tougher with each higher grade you get to, but never too tough for a child in that particular grade; the test is given according to the child's ability. And these 'tests' do not end with school.... But as for everything in life, faith and friends never fail!! :)