"BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED"
We tend to use this phrase much too often in our lives. (If
you do not need to, let me tell you, you are probably really really lucky!)
Sometimes, the usage is justified, and many a times, an exaggeration.
We choose to do something for another human being or go an
extra mile for them because that’s what we want to do. It may be because we
love them and care for them, it may be because we are just extremely caring and
compassionate generally, and sometimes it may be a mix of both. And this ‘they’
could be anybody - from family, friends and colleagues to a stranger you will
likely never meet again. Contrary to popular belief however, this does not give
us a right to expect something in return. We aren't entitled to anything. We
don’t get to expect something for what we do out of free will. But does that
mean we don’t expect? Sadly, we do. Okay, correction, most of us do. (Only the Godliest beings would genuinely hold no
expectations for all the good they do for people around them. How wonderful
would that place to be in mentally and emotionally?!) Doing for the other is a
matter of free will for us and we choose to do it; they didn't ask us to be
caring and compassionate towards them. We give up sleep, leave the comfort of our
warm seat on the couch, spend time that we could have used to finish an assignment,
miss watching a really great show/movie we had been looking forward to, ignore our
ill health for somebody, take care at all times that they don’t have to feel
even the slightest inconvenience, ignore feelings of exploitation, let go being
lied to, suppress our own emotions in order to stay strong for them – all this, is our choice and ours alone. They may not see it. They may
not acknowledge it. They may not appreciate it. Does that mean it is all in
vain? Does that mean we stop doing it? Does that mean we stop being who we are?
The answer is, no. Our karma is our character as a person, and
so is theirs. An unacceptable behavior can never be justified by what somebody
else did to us. When a dog barks at us, we don’t bark back at it. It is a dog,
it is at the evolutionary level of a dog; it is bound to bark. Acting like a
dog is all it knows. We are humans, we are at an evolutionary plane much higher
than the dog’s, we don’t bark back. We act like humans. It’s as simple as that.
And we can’t blame the dog for barking. It is what it does. Barking is inherent
to the dog’s nature. Same goes for the qualities of selflessness, gratitude and
compassion (among others) in humans (I mention these in particular because they
are the most relevant to the topic at hand). There are some people who are
capable of these and some just aren't They just don’t have it in them. It’s
not their fault that they don’t appreciate care given to them. It’s not their
fault that they are only concerned till their vested interests are being
satisfied. It’s not their fault that they cannot think of anybody outside of
their own selves. That’s just how they are and they can’t be blamed for it.
Agreed, there are few things more horrible than being ungrateful in friendship,
but you cannot blame somebody for not doing something they are incapable of.
Would it be right to get mad at an elephant just because it cannot climb a
tree?! By this token, the absence of appreciation should not drive us to give up on
our generosity. Seneca’s words drive this point further home – “It is another’s fault if he be ungrateful,
but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful man, I will oblige a
great many that are not so”.
In interpersonal relationships, oftentimes situations of
unmet expectations arise. One of my previous entries talks about the importance
of the legitimacy of those expectations. Above was another explanation of why
something like that might happen. It might even be considered a mature defense
mechanism, Rationalizing – something
that we tell ourselves to make us hurt less or feel slightly better. But it doesn't make it any less effective! When faced with the feeling of ‘being taken
advantage of' (to whatever degree), there are two choices – to walk away and
not care anymore since they were too blind to see it, or to remember Seneca, to
remember this post and continue to do good. I would recommend the latter J But most importantly,
remember that being there for somebody in their time of need is a chance few
get, doing something selflessly is something few are capable of. These
qualities are inherently positive and should by no means produce negative
feelings inside of us. If someone is oblivious to these qualities in you, it is
their loss, just as it is the loss of the person who fails to see the beauty of
nature – it is only who sees it, know what the non-seer is missing. If they are
not by your side when you need them, they are at a loss. After all what can be
more blissful than being given the opportunity to comfort a fellow human!
And what greater loss can there be than to let go of such an opportunity!
Above everything, remember to never be ungrateful! It is not
a good place to be in J
