A Good Day to Say I'm Sorry

The day of love, when turns into the day of heartbreak, seems much more sinister than any other day of heartbreak! (A day of heartbreak is, in itself, pretty sinister to begin with!) So when a friend narrated their tale of failed love on a day when the world celebrates successful love, I couldn't fight my urge to pen down what I gathered of their feelings, and what, to an extent, vocalizes my own.
Valentine's day is a good day to say I Love You. Also, a good day to say I'm Sorry!

Forgive me,
For not being what you wanted.
Forgive me,
For falling short in helping you make a leap of faith.
Forgive me,
For making you feel responsible for my hurt.
Forgive me,
For every tear that has flown down your face.
Forgive me,
For causing you pain brought about by the realization of my inadequacy.
Forgive me,
For not meeting your expectations. I tried. I aspired. I failed.

It will be hard to forgive me - I know because I have tried.
I failed,
But I hope you will not.
Forgive me,
Please forgive me.

A Poem, a Promise, a Feeling

I will hold your hand, like holding it was the only important thing in the world;

I will hug you when you are scared, like a mother would a child;

I will stay up till morning and watch you sleep, like your face was the only memory I would want to keep;

I will meet you each day, like it was our last day together;

I will make your home, like it was your haven, your chapel, your paradise;

I will be your friend, your family, your confidant; your one true soul mate, your mirror;

I will drop everything and run to you at your slightest sound of my name;

I will build with you hope, faith, smiles, memories, life.

I may not always cure, but I will always care;

I will make a difference, like the difference you make.

I will get through the day, with the only hope of seeing you.

I will be your dream catcher.
My beloved!

On Being Taken for Granted

"BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED"

We tend to use this phrase much too often in our lives. (If you do not need to, let me tell you, you are probably really really lucky!) Sometimes, the usage is justified, and many a times, an exaggeration.

We choose to do something for another human being or go an extra mile for them because that’s what we want to do. It may be because we love them and care for them, it may be because we are just extremely caring and compassionate generally, and sometimes it may be a mix of both. And this ‘they’ could be anybody - from family, friends and colleagues to a stranger you will likely never meet again. Contrary to popular belief however, this does not give us a right to expect something in return. We aren't entitled to anything. We don’t get to expect something for what we do out of free will. But does that mean we don’t expect? Sadly, we do. Okay, correction, most of us do. (Only the Godliest beings would genuinely hold no expectations for all the good they do for people around them. How wonderful would that place to be in mentally and emotionally?!) Doing for the other is a matter of free will for us and we choose to do it; they didn't ask us to be caring and compassionate towards them. We give up sleep, leave the comfort of our warm seat on the couch, spend time that we could have used to finish an assignment, miss watching a really great show/movie we had been looking forward to, ignore our ill health for somebody, take care at all times that they don’t have to feel even the slightest inconvenience, ignore feelings of exploitation, let go being lied to, suppress our own emotions in order to stay strong for them – all this, is our choice and ours alone. They may not see it. They may not acknowledge it. They may not appreciate it. Does that mean it is all in vain? Does that mean we stop doing it? Does that mean we stop being who we are?

The answer is, no. Our karma is our character as a person, and so is theirs. An unacceptable behavior can never be justified by what somebody else did to us. When a dog barks at us, we don’t bark back at it. It is a dog, it is at the evolutionary level of a dog; it is bound to bark. Acting like a dog is all it knows. We are humans, we are at an evolutionary plane much higher than the dog’s, we don’t bark back. We act like humans. It’s as simple as that. And we can’t blame the dog for barking. It is what it does. Barking is inherent to the dog’s nature. Same goes for the qualities of selflessness, gratitude and compassion (among others) in humans (I mention these in particular because they are the most relevant to the topic at hand). There are some people who are capable of these and some just aren't  They just don’t have it in them. It’s not their fault that they don’t appreciate care given to them. It’s not their fault that they are only concerned till their vested interests are being satisfied. It’s not their fault that they cannot think of anybody outside of their own selves. That’s just how they are and they can’t be blamed for it. Agreed, there are few things more horrible than being ungrateful in friendship, but you cannot blame somebody for not doing something they are incapable of. Would it be right to get mad at an elephant just because it cannot climb a tree?! By this token, the absence of appreciation should not drive us to give up on our generosity. Seneca’s words drive this point further home – “It is another’s fault if he be ungrateful, but it is mine if I do not give. To find one thankful man, I will oblige a great many that are not so”.

In interpersonal relationships, oftentimes situations of unmet expectations arise. One of my previous entries talks about the importance of the legitimacy of those expectations. Above was another explanation of why something like that might happen. It might even be considered a mature defense mechanism, Rationalizing – something that we tell ourselves to make us hurt less or feel slightly better. But it doesn't make it any less effective! When faced with the feeling of ‘being taken advantage of' (to whatever degree), there are two choices – to walk away and not care anymore since they were too blind to see it, or to remember Seneca, to remember this post and continue to do good. I would recommend the latter J But most importantly, remember that being there for somebody in their time of need is a chance few get, doing something selflessly is something few are capable of. These qualities are inherently positive and should by no means produce negative feelings inside of us. If someone is oblivious to these qualities in you, it is their loss, just as it is the loss of the person who fails to see the beauty of nature – it is only who sees it, know what the non-seer is missing. If they are not by your side when you need them, they are at a loss. After all what can be more blissful than being given the opportunity to comfort a fellow human! And what greater loss can there be than to let go of such an opportunity!

Above everything, remember to never be ungrateful! It is not a good place to be in J

An Open Letter to the Woman on the Bus

It's been a little over 2 months in the new city now. Not a day has passed by when I did not remember New Orleans, my first home in this country. Getting some free time (an extreme rarity for most grad students), I was revisiting my write-ups and found this open letter I had written in 2010; still valid, still very much a source of motivation for me. Read on!

THE LADY ON THE BUS

12:17 PM, route 39, NORTA. That’s where I saw you. More than once. That is the route and time you must take to work. And that's what I used to take some days to reach school. You were one of the many faces I used to see regularly on the bus. I remember you sat on one of the front seats. But what I remember you the most for is your kind heart.

That day, like many other days, a young AA lady got on the bus with a child. She was probably not ready to be a mother – mentally, emotionally, financially and, not to mention, physically. She was like many other young mothers of the city, overwhelmed by the responsibilities of motherhood, by the responsibilities of nurturing another life, another whole individual. And while she did all that, she likely didn’t have enough support from her family or husband (if she was married) or the child’s father (if he still was a part of her life). She held her baby on her waist and got on the bus. The driver naturally asked her for $1.25 for the fare. She couldn’t give the $0.25 of it, I’m not sure why, maybe she was short on cash, maybe she didn’t have change, I don’t know. But she needed a quarter. And you gave it to her. You immediately reached for your little purse, for change, and handed her the quarter. Did you know her? Most likely not. Did you expect to get those 25 cents back? Umm, no.

You and the other women of New Orleans are like women in India, (some a pivotal part of my life), working hard, making sure your families get what they want, bearing the hardships of bus travel, changing buses to get to work daily, giving their best at work, returning home in those very buses and attending to the house work, anticipating and sometimes even bearing husbands’ abuses and then getting ready for another similar day the next morning. During all this, what keeps you going is something I may never understand. What drives you to get out of bed and be ready to face the day is out of the reach of my imagination. Maybe the day I realize what this force is, I will respect you all even more. And that would also make me feel more awe for the Maker who has presented you with the strength. For such a woman, $0.25 is probably an hour worth of work. Giving it to a stranger or an almost stranger with no surety of getting it back or seeing the person ever again, is something that only the kindest heart can do. I believe I have a kind heart and this gesture came as a surprise for me. Thinking about this gesture even today stings my eyes and I feel a tear or two flowing down my face. And I wouldn’t want this tear to ever stop shaping up.

I feel you can never be kind enough and that there is always room for being slightly kinder. Also there are a million ways to be kind and compassionate. You showed me one of those. I don’t know what your name is or where you live. You don’t know me, may not even know I exist. So writing this letter, which will never ever be seen by you, seems pointless. But I am sure of one thing and that is my Maker knows the contents of my letter. And He will definitely convey my feelings and sincere gratitude to you, in His own special manner. Thank you so much the woman on the bus for being so kind and caring, for showing me one newer way to be kind, for giving something to this world, for having touched me enough to bring a tear to my eye. I can never forget you, I can never forget what you did, and I can never forget the impact it has had on me. I cannot tell how, at this moment, but this has definitely contributed to the growth of my soul. I might know eventually and that day I will thank you once again, for a specific reason. Until then, all I can say is, you may not know how you touch someone’s life by a mere act of kindness. So continue to be kind and giving. You are terrific and please be so forever.

My bestest wishes for you!

Thanks once again. :)

    

Bereavement - Death and the other kind

This is for a friend. A friend who is not a friend by definition; who has been a teacher, a colleague, a boss, a mentor; who has faced many a storms throughout life; who has faced yet another fairly recently; and who, I know, has stood strong in all those storms. My prayers for my friend, that nested in my heart and were shared only with my Maker, are hereby sent to the universe, by means of this post. 

We have all suffered loss of a dear one. Sometimes we lose  them to quietus and sometimes the loss is not a physical one involving inter-world travel. Either way, it is hurtful. Either way, it leaves a void impossible to fill. We do find a new friend, a new brother-figure, a new love, but honestly thinking, the new found person never actually replaces the one you have lost. We say we move on. But in reality, rarely ever do we 'move on'. What happens, always stays with us - in the form of a memory, in the form of a lesson we learnt, in the form of a personality trait we developed or let go, in the form of the void left by the end of something/someone or the newly filled space by something/someone - at least a part of what happens, or who we know, always stays. We don't really move on; we only move forward. And that's how it should be. After all, is it fair to completely ignore someone or something that you once held so special?!

When a loved one leaves us, we are often left without a satisfactory understanding of the last moments of their existence - their existence in this world or in our lives, as the case may be. And there hardly is a way for us to understand it now after their departure. Feelings of frustrated helplessness shape up and those who have felt it know how debilitating the state of frustrated helplessness can be. And with the frustration and the helplessness, there is of course the accompanying mélange of anger, hurt, sorrow, deceit and injustice. Not a pleasant place to be in on any account! How does one find their mental balance then? "What I do know today, with complete assurance, is that his soul is at peace" is how my above mentioned friend has chosen to look at this time of bereavement. We can never estimate the amount of strength such a thought can bring in one's tough time until we actually practice it. When someone is no longer a part of your life, of your world, it just makes sense to remember them positively and wish them only well. Each individual in this world is rich enough to be able to give something to the others and surely the person we have lost has given something to us. I feel it prudent to be grateful for all the positive they brought us and pray for peace to them, wherever they are. Touché my friend :)

The 5 stages of grief handling are known to most - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance, together form DABDA. And any reasonable mind knows that the ultimate destination, after any form of loss, is the 2nd 'A' in DABDA, that of Acceptance. When we know we have to reach it and only reaching it will bring us peace, why not assist our own self through that journey! Of course bottling up one's emotions is never healthy; one shouldn't try to skip through any of these stages, but acknowledging the hurt, understanding it and giving it time to wane helps. Two things that I know work beautifully are law of reverse association and positive self suggestion. The laws of association partly explain why we look how we feel - we are chirpy and upbeat when we feel happy inside and dull and morose when unhappy. The reverse of this is true too. When unhappy on the inside, try to smile more, look for reasons to laugh and you will automatically feel less sad. You are not driving away the unhappy experience, just handling it better. And the other thing - positive self suggestion. Treat yourself as a best friend going through a rough phase. What do we do when a friend is unhappy? Console them, give them perspective, give them hope, understand them, treat them with utmost kindness? Why treat yourself any different? I often tell myself "I feel bad. Very bad. Still. What happened is sad and I have every reason to feel this way. But I know I will not always feel bad. I have to reach the last 'A' of DABDA and I will, when I'm ready. In the meantime, I just need to hold on, need to keep my faith, need to smile." Here again, the simplest words hide the most powerful effect on the mind.

I read somewhere, 'life is only 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it'. Loss of someone loved is an irreversible phenomenon in most cases. It would be a sad situation to lose even your inner grace and faith in the Maker. It is only when you have cleared tests for the 1st grade, do you get to go to the 2nd grade; the tests become tougher and tougher with each higher grade you get to, but never too tough for a child in that particular grade; the test is given according to the child's ability. And these 'tests' do not end with school.... But as for everything in life, faith and friends never fail!! :) 

Saluting Keenan and Reuben

A group of friends, who have been together for years, go for dinner to a much talked about restaurant in the suburbs of one of the most populous cities of the world and probably the most 'happening' city in the country. This is the city which has its rich and its poor, its elite and its unemployed, its opportunities and its failures, its dreams and its disappointments, its lions and its rats. The friends get out of the restaurant, satisfied with the food they just consumed and are waiting for some paan, to freshen their breaths and probably to spend some more time together. The girls in the group are seen by a local 'goon' and as happens every so often, he thinks it his birth right to pass lewd remarks at her and make her (and others around) uncomfortable. The girl quietly listens, tries to ignore this 'man' (I'm being polite here) and then leaves with the group like everything is alright. Sounds like a very common story. It is. In most parts of India. Even more so in the 'big city' areas. But what if I changed just the last part of it? Instead of the girl quietly ignoring the obscenities dished out to her, what if I was to say that the girl responded rudely and that her guy friends confronted the perv and that the perv disappeared immediately only to reappear with a group of, hold your breaths, 20 other degenerates like himself, to get even with the 4-5 20 something year olds and that these 20 creatures are all 'equipped' with sticks and swords and knives and that they start beating the guys who resisted the untoward advances being made to their female friends and that this 'fight' (totally unfair not to mention) ends up with one of the friends dying on the spot of multiple stab injuries and another being taken to the hospital (to eventually end up dead 10 odd days later), in front of a full and passive audience. Chilling right! What makes it even chillier is that this is a true story. 

Whatever happened with Keenan Santos and Reuben Fernandes (may their souls rest in peace) is ghastly as much as it is unfortunate. My initial reaction was of sorrow, obviously. But I realized soon that sadness was only a little part of what I actually felt. Awe, respect, wanting-to-salute, wish-to-hug were more like what I was actually experiencing for these two lads. They gave a whole new meaning to the phrase "anything for friends". “Ladne ke liye jaan nahi, JIGAR ki zaroorat hoti hai” (You don’t need to have ‘life’ that you can give to fight, all you need is the courage to do so) was what Keenan often told close friends (quoting Reuben’s brother). Their deaths will not go unnoticed in the eyes of the Maker that I'm sure of!

Naturally this incident was followed by a ruckus created by social media and the news agencies; hours of television news covering the story over and over again and groups/pages formed on networking sites for people to join in order to show support. On many of these groups and pages I found written that their purpose was to send a strong message to the authorities pressurizing them to hasten the legal proceedings on the matter; there were links to petitions to be signed by the supporters as well. But what perturbed me the most was posts by alleged members declaring their ‘wishes’ for the culprits to be given ‘capital punishment’, to be ‘killed’/’tortured’ in public, and some not-mentionable treatments to be delivered to them. This tinge of an acute sense of revenge is hard to miss when navigating through these pages. And then of course there is the rant about people, just standing there and not coming to the aid of the youth as they struggled. Other commonly seen comments and posts deal with the fractured judicial system of the country, the ‘race’ of the perpetrators, expletives thrown towards the police etc. (though there was one guy who advertised his dental clinic on the page too!! Can you imagine!! Spammers!! Ubiquitous!! And unstoppable!!) But I guess that is the general sentiment of the mass, ‘kill those who killed’. The end result? Kinda stupid isn’t it? ‘Killing’ or ‘punishing’ the goons is not going to bring Keenan and Reuben back. Or is it? :-/ Also, these guys died doing exactly what the audience present there is being blamed of NOT doing, interfering in something not directly affecting them, ‘helping others’ so to speak. Not a very encouraging example I think!

So what now? Should the initial story that I mentioned be accepted as a part of an Indian woman’s normal life? Should friends like Keenan and Reuben start ignoring such incidents? Or should everybody from the audience also start behaving like Keenan and Reuben and ‘help’ those in trouble? There isn’t a straight answer to this or a similar situation. Not a fair one of course. But then again, there are so many questions that do not have an actual answer.

But this leaves me wondering, I feel I can do anything for people I love. But when it comes to giving up my life, will I be courageous enough? Would I go that far? Guess we’ll find out!

I personally feel utmost regard for these two boys and the many like them, who do not refrain from standing up for what they believe is right. As Keenan said, it requires courage, lots of it, to fight for something. It is people like him who impact others’ lives positively. And the life which positively affects another, even one, is nothing short of phenomenal. Salute!!

     

          

Paradise - Coldplay

Favorite band, favorite record of theirs, favorite song on the record. Paradise. (Oh Chris Martin!)
To hear - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1G4isv_Fylg&ob=av3e


When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach 
So she ran away in her sleep 
And dreamed of 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise, 
Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach 
And the bullets catch in her teeth 
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly 
Every tear a waterfall 
In the night the stormy night 
She'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night 
Away she'd fly
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh 
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh 

lalalalalalalalalalala 
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"

This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh